Some lessons from Nance Guilmartin’s book on best practices in trying situations
Originally published in Middle-Pause on Medium on October 14, 2026
I read a marvelous book recently. In fact, I’d started it a while ago and came across it again while organizing some of my books to take to a used-book store.
The author, Nance Guilmartin, is a prize-winning journalist with four Regional Emmy Awards, and she also works as an executive coach, leading international communication workshops. The book, Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say, was published in 2002, and I read it in its Romanian translation.
I was drawn to this book because in my teenage years, when it came to communication, I didn’t have role models I wanted to emulate. People seemed to be hurtful much too often, and, when not hurtful, tough on each other — with plenty of edges, as I liked to say.
Some of my friends were exceptions to that rule, but they were young too. When they didn’t know how to react, they didn’t say anything. I appreciated it, and yet sometimes when we share a sad personal story, we do expect some words.
Learning what those words can be is not easy, but someone experienced in communicating with people will come to some conclusions, as Guilmartin did. She’s not a psychologist, but her advice blends with what I’ve learned on my own in my almost fifty years of life.
Practical advice, from the book and from my experience
When someone’s husband dies, for instance, it doesn’t help to tell that person she shouldn’t be so upset because when he was alive they always fought. It sounds insensitive and gauche, yet some people would say just that. They’re not evil-minded, but that comment sounds rather evil, doesn’t it? Many people don’t know what to say, so they say the first thing that pops into their head.
As Guilmartin notes, the first thing we need to do when we want to console someone is to listen.
If a woman who lost her husband feels guilty that she hadn’t taken him to more doctors, try to listen to that. As Guilmartin says, there’s discomfort for the listener too when confronted with someone in so much pain, but if we veer away from our own thoughts for a while, we may find the right thing to say.
In this case, we could remind this woman of the good decisions she’d taken in the past. We can tell her that she was helpful many times, and she did prolong her husband’s life.
And sometimes, we just need to be there by a hurting person’s side without passing judgment. Sometimes we can offer words without commenting on a person’s choices. Instead, as Guilmartin says, we can practice reflective listening.
Different cultures, different approaches
Once I met an adult man who was the child of psychologists, and it bothered the hell out of me to have him mirror my words back to me. It was simply not done in Romania.
I was also young, and it felt like some psychobabble technique I couldn’t rally behind. Yet now I see value in it — as long as I adapt it to my own culture. I can listen and mirror some of the words back, but not in the same way.
Still, I have to practice just staying with the other person’s thoughts. Guilmartin says people will come up with their own answers if they’re given the chance to share their upsets.
I do that too when it comes to venting. Some days I’d write an email and later delete it because I realize I don’t want to burden that other person. Once I get something off my chest, the problem seems easier to fix.
But, as Guilmartin notes, there’s value in communicating with other people when we’re in pain. Those people, even if they can’t help us themselves, can steer us in a useful direction — to other people who may be able to alleviate some of that pain and provide some solutions when we feel stuck.
There are so many great takeaways in Guilmartin’s book!
Here are some of them:
1. If you want to help, start by asking a specific question rather than “How are you?” Ask that person what you can do for her that very day. Or allow her to unburden herself by asking her if she feels like talking to you. You could ask about a different area of that person’s life instead of the one where her suffering dwells.
2. Help that person take a break from their life for a while — for a day, for instance.
3. If someone helps you, do not try to respond with a gift of your own right away.
I experienced this when I helped a friend with her Bachelor’s thesis, and she bought me a bottle of perfume right away. I’d spent hours helping her polish her thesis. I forget how many, but my help wasn’t meant to be quantified. In these situations, as Guilmartin says, it’s best to remember the gift you received and try to offer something similarly thoughtful back whenever a future occasion arises.
4. When a person loses someone dear, try to steer the conversation to positive things about that person’s life and your relationship to him. You could share life lessons you learned from that person.
When a dear friend of my own family passed away, his daughter asked various people to write short eulogies. I contributed to her album too, and it felt incredibly tender to share my own recollections of her father.
5. Sometimes just saying things will be okay is enough. At other times, patience and empathy, allowing someone to cry on your shoulder, is the best thing you can do.
6. Guilmartin learned from a nurse who worked with children in intensive care that it’s probably best to let children lead difficult discussions by waiting to hear their questions before explaining anything.
7. Often, people who have trouble letting go of various household items also struggle with their confidence in the future. They believe they may not have the means to afford various objects if they were to throw them away. A discussion about the psychology of it all may help.
8. When people move to a new place, they are often disoriented. A good neighbor does more than just bring a welcome basket. She helps with recommendations for how to navigate their new area and its people.
9. Often, when we have health problems, it helps to make a list of what we expect from those who want to help. And sometimes, it’s enough to ask only for their love and positive thoughts.
10. When you talk to people with chronic illnesses, please don’t ask them about their health. They are not just their illness. As you empathize with them, consider that they may have come to terms with their illness. They may have discovered ways to be happy, despite their circumstances.
Guilmartin notes that those who may not be able to dance may appreciate being in a place where they can listen to the music.
11. Suffering may lead to empathy, which may lead to a better way of being in the world — more in tune with other people, more pleasant, even if not as perfectly polished as when we were healthier.
12. Some people have a brush with death, and they are all the richer for it. Others escape unscathed, so to speak.
13. When someone is dying, he may not want to see some of his acquaintances. Do your best to honor this. You may say, as Guilmartin suggests, that it’s not a good time, without giving other details.
And don’t feel bad if you can’t be perfectly polite to those who phone to ask about his deterioration. Sometimes it’s hard to have the physical and emotional resources for politeness, even with close family and friends. Do make an effort to connect to people whom the dying person wants to see.
14. When someone holds a memorial service or a commemoration for a loved one years after their passing, realize that they may suffer even more than they did at the moment of that person’s death. It may seem counterintuitive, but it happens, and I can attest to that too.
There’s much more in Nance Guilmartin’s book, with plenty of examples from her life and the lives of people she got to know. I’ve learned some of these lessons from firsthand experience, but I still found her advice helpful when it came to particular ways of dealing with a multitude of specific situations.
I highly recommend this book. Enjoy!
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Thank you for reading!
If you liked this piece, here are two other articles you may enjoy:
On Ho’oponopono and You are magic
But How Do You Search for the Meaning of Life?
And here are some of my customizable Zazzle designs for the holiday season:
https://happierhealthier.blog/tag/christmas
To a happier, healthier life,
Mira
